Today's Funny

Turkeys in Disguise

2011-11-23T10:46:00.001-05:00

Children and Pets

2011-11-22T08:00:00.000-05:00

Um...does someone in this neighborhood have a pet squirrel?

Rules of Touch Football

2011-11-21T11:57:00.001-05:00

Wall Street Journal: 32 Rules of Touch Football

Bird watchin

2011-11-21T10:34:00.000-05:00

Chinese snacks.

2010-02-16T13:50:00.001-05:00

I really wish I could get snack food from China everyday. Hilarious.

Gotta Go

2009-12-16T16:44:00.003-05:00

Editor Erik put a "do not disturb" sign at his desk, yet I soon saw him down the hallway with Editor Matt and Writer Katie. Apparently they all just happened to be converging in the area on their way to somewhere else, but I still razzed him, "You've got that sign at your desk and you're out here?"

"I had to pee!" he responded, waving the papers in his hand and hurrying back to his desk.

"That's a little personal," Matt commented.

"That's my article," was all Katie said as she walked away.

In Erik's defense, he said he put it on the shelf.

Lonely Flower

2009-12-09T13:18:00.001-05:00

I was entertained by the one lonely flower that got this whole trailer to itself.

A good ax

2009-12-08T15:31:00.003-05:00

This is from Wired magazine's Christmas wish list, and it just made me laugh. Clever and funny.

When you own a good ax, you see the world differently. Scrap wood in the yard? Kindling. Ugly table? Kindling. Overdue library book? Kindling. Spouse? Someone who would love a beautiful bespoke ax this holiday! Best Made Axes are the deluxest woodcutters out there, with hand-finished hickory handles and fine-grain steel heads. They even come in custom wooden crates. (Kindling.)

Publishing Humor

2009-12-06T16:24:00.000-05:00

From a co-worker:

I found this bit from a Dave Barry column. He is describing the newspaper business, but it sounds like the process we go through in the magazine business.

Q: How come when I read a newspaper story on a topic I'm familiar with, it always contains errors?

A: This requires a complex team effort, which I will explain by putting key terms in capital letters: First, the REPORTER gathers information by interviewing PEOPLE and trying to write down what they say, getting approximately 35 percent of it right. The REPORTER then writes a STORY, which goes to an EDITOR, who bitterly resents the REPORTER because the REPORTER gets to go outside sometimes, whereas the EDITOR is stuck in the building eating NEWSPAPER CAFETERIA ``FOOD'' that was originally developed by construction-industry researchers as a substitute for PLYWOOD.

The EDITOR, following journalism tradition, decides that the REPORTER has put the real point of the story in the 14th paragraph, which the EDITOR then attempts to move using the ``cut and paste command,'' which results in the story disappearing into ANOTHER DIMENSION, partly because the EDITOR, like most journalists, has the mechanical aptitude of a RUTABAGA, but also because the NEW COMPUTER SYSTEM has a few ``bugs'' as a result of being installed by a low-bid VENDOR whose previous experience consisted of servicing WHACK-A-MOLE GAMES.

So the REPORTER and the EDITOR, who now hate each other even more than they already did, hastily slap a story together from memory, then turn it over to a GRAPHIC DESIGN PERSON who cannot actually read but is a wizard on the APPLE MACINTOSH, and who will cut any remaining accurate sentences out of the story to make room on the page for a colorful, ``reader-friendly'' CHART, which was actually supposed to illustrate a story in an entirely different SECTION.

Yes, it's a lot of work, but we do it night after night, with story after story, all so that when you, the reader, go out to your front yard to get your newspaper, it's not there. Check your roof, OK?

Only on Facebook

2009-12-02T17:09:00.002-05:00

Just got a Facebook invite for the group, "1,000,000 to join, my dad john mellencamp will quit smoking." Grammar mistakes aside, I'm impressed at how specific the Facebook groups are getting. I'm tempted to join just to see what happens. It already has 76,000 members. Of course, I also had to laugh at one of the responses, "1000000 people to ship that whack a** to the southpole!"

How to write a good headline

2009-11-30T23:36:00.002-05:00

I saw a headline on the Enquirer (or similar tabloid) that stated: "Obama's Gay Lover" and I had to wonder if they were simply pulling words together that would get people's attention, like "alien," "Oprah," or "pregnant." (Come to think of it, I might have seen a headline about Oprah being pregnant with an alien baby.)

I remember thinking the same thing with an actual news story from CNN. The headline read: "Naked Man Hijacks Bus Carrying Students." Almost any combination of those words would be enough to get people's attention. You just can't make this stuff up.

Bumper Sticker

2009-02-26T21:40:00.003-05:00

Saw this bumper sticker on the car in front of me. It seemed both admonishing and sarcastic.

Good Rice

2009-01-29T13:41:00.001-05:00

Middle Eastern man surrounded by bags of rice: Would you like to buy some rice?
Young woman: No, thanks.
Middle Eastern man: But it's good rice. Good strong rice.
Young woman: Oh, I've got plenty of rice at home.
Middle Eastern man: But your rice no good. This rice much better.
Woman (offended, screaming): You don't know what kind of rice I eat!
(long pause)
Middle Eastern man, sheepishly: Only $20.

-Overheard on the F train in NYC.

Another reason I don't cook

2008-10-10T06:33:00.000-04:00

SEKIU, Wash. (AP) — A woman said she was shot in the leg by her stove. Cory Davis told the Peninsula Daily News she had just stoked her cast-iron heating stove Sunday when she heard a loud bang and was struck in her left calf.

Davis said a case of shotgun shells spilled about a month ago at her home and one must have landed in the newspapers she used to light the stove.

She removed a metal fragment herself and was treated Monday at Forks Community Hospital.

Guns and Robbers (and bad headlines)

2008-09-30T17:50:00.004-04:00

Newspapers

2008-09-17T14:11:00.003-04:00

Patriotism or Animal Cruelty?

2008-09-09T13:39:00.002-04:00

Get Out of the Car!

2008-09-08T12:14:00.003-04:00

Thanks Susie!

Lost Luggage (thanks for the link Sandra!)

2008-09-08T12:04:00.003-04:00

I love newspapers

2008-08-28T22:58:00.001-04:00

Phelps is Phunny

2008-08-27T16:51:00.006-04:00

Like everyone else in the world, I'm also a "Phelps Phan." As much as I admire the guy and love swimming, the phenomenon is also providing me with some great laughs.

For example:

And I just found this Chuck Norris-type list:

1. Water drinks Michael Phelps.

2. Scientists recently discovered the cause for warmer sea temperature and melting icebergs happens every time Michael Phelps gets in the water.

3. When Michael Phelps jumps into the pool, he isn't making a splash; the water is just trying to get out of his way.

4. Once, when Michael Phelps swam the Atlantic and came across mermaids, one said to him, "I thought you were just a myth!"

5. There is no need to save the whales, Michael Phelps has saved them all.

6. When Michael Phelps goes water skiing, he doesn't use skis. Or a boat.

7. Michael Phelps does not swim like dolphins; dolphins swim like Michael Phelps.

Headlines

2008-08-05T13:34:00.002-04:00

More headlines

2008-08-01T12:25:00.002-04:00

Best Headlines

2008-07-31T13:36:00.001-04:00

Thanks Susie!

Ooo....World's Largest!

2008-06-13T11:32:00.001-04:00

This is the main description of the hotel I'll be staying at for a night in Bangkok. I got a kick out of their main selling point.

The new hotel is located at Latkrabang Road just 5 minutes from Suvanabhumi Airport and 30 minutes away from hotel to the world's largest crocodile farm. Hotel offers exclusive rooms. All rooms equipped with cable tv, air conditioning, refrigerator with minibar, hot and cold water, telphone and internet.

Tatermitts

2008-02-29T11:35:00.001-05:00

Perhaps more creepy than funny. Or perhaps some of you will want to buy them.

Dirty computer screen?

2008-02-18T15:45:00.002-05:00

Click here.

Not Today

2008-02-06T11:50:00.001-05:00

Not Looking Forward to Valentine's Day?

2008-02-04T15:19:00.000-05:00

TOKYO (Reuters) - Lovelorn staff at a Japanese marketing company can take paid time off after a bad break-up with a partner, with more "heartache leave" on offer as they get older.

Tokyo-based Hime & Company, which also gives staff paid time off to hit the shops during sales season, says heartache leave allows staff to cry themselves out and return to work refreshed. "Not everyone needs to take maternity leave but with heartbreak, everyone needs time off, just like when you get sick," CEO Miki Hiradate, whose company of six women markets cosmetics and other goods targeted for women, told Reuters by telephone.

Staff aged 24 years or younger can take one day off per year, while those between 25 and 29 can take two days off and those older can take three days off, the company said.

"Women in their 20s can find their next love quickly, but it's tougher for women in their 30s, and their break-ups tend to be more serious," Hiradate said.

Hime & Company staff can also take two mornings off twice a year as "sales shopping leave", so they can race to stores to hunt for bargains.

"Before, women could take half-days off to go to sales, but you'd have to hide your shopping bags in lockers by the train station," Hiradate said.

"But with paid leave, we don't have to feel guilty about bringing our shopping bags to work, and we can enjoy the best part about sales shopping -- talking about our purchases afterwards."

(Thanks for the link, Kim!)

Do not read

2007-11-17T16:22:00.000-05:00

There's so many things I love about this picture. I'm dying to know what country it's from.

Girls, Boys, and Web Addresses

2007-11-14T13:00:00.000-05:00

The email chain went like this:
First Jennifer wrote:
Hi friends,
As communicators I thought you’d laugh at this with me. It is so funny!
http://girltalk.blogs.com/girltalk/2007/11/friday-funnies.html

Then Jason responded,
I can't believe I was just tricked into reading "The Girl Talk" blog.
Must
go
to
http://www.USCripsIt.com
now...

Then Terri added,
I was wondering what “U.S. Crips It” meant so I anxiously went to the site. A little disappointed (but shouldn’t have been surprised) it was about USC. Oh, well.

Today

2007-10-30T11:19:00.000-04:00

Tongue Twisters

2007-10-26T13:18:00.000-04:00

Kristin and I were at McDonalds today, and as I debated about getting a McFlurry, I remembered the summer that that they came out with their famous frozen concotion. I had a friend who worked there that summer—named Matt McMurray.
McMurray and the McFlurry. It was a great summer.

But then Kristin topped it with an even better example. She said, true story, her mom had a friend named Mary Martin who worked at Martin's Merry Manor. And every day she would have to answer the phone: "Martin's Merry Manor, this is Mary Martin, how may I help you?"

Elephant

2007-08-09T11:38:00.001-04:00

"Hi, um, we found an elephant..."

Truth is WAY funnier than fiction

2007-08-07T11:50:00.000-04:00

BANGKOK, Thailand (AP) -- Thai policemen who break rules will be forced to wear hot pink armbands featuring "Hello Kitty," the Japanese icon of cute, as a mark of shame, a senior officer said Monday.

Hello Kitty is not something "macho police officers want covering their biceps," a Thai police chief says.

Police officers caught littering, parking in a prohibited area, or arriving late -- among other misdemeanors -- will be forced to stay in the division office and wear the armband all day, said Police Col. Pongpat Chayaphan. The officers won't wear the armband in public.

The striking armband features Hello Kitty sitting atop two hearts.

"Simple warnings no longer work. This new twist is expected to make them feel guilt and shame and prevent them from repeating the offense, no matter how minor," said Pongpat, acting chief of the Crime Suppression Division in Bangkok.

Thriller

2007-08-06T11:23:00.000-04:00

1,500 plus CPDRC inmates of the Cebu Provincial Detention and Rehabilitation Center, Cebu, Philippines at practice. If you click around on YouTube, you'll find even more routines. I just want to know where in the world they'll be performing these routines!

Thriller

Thanks Allison.

New Sport

2007-08-03T14:38:00.000-04:00

I love what they consider sport in other countries. Here's a picture from the Kirkpinar Olive Oil Wrestling in Turkey. Yes, you read that right, olive oil wrestling.

Thanks Tricia.

Kids take on lunch lady - and win

2007-07-31T15:45:00.000-04:00

from CNN.com

LAS VEGAS, Nevada (AP) -- Even someone who believes you can fight city hall might think twice before taking on the lunch lady. But some second-graders who raised their voices over reheated frozen green beans are being rewarded with tastier vegetables.

The menu at William V. Wright Elementary School is getting a makeover after Constantine Christopulos' class went on a poignantly polite letter-writing campaign aiming to see less of that particular vegetable in the cafeteria.

"A little boy said, `Anything, anything, I'll even eat broccoli,"' said Connie Duits, the lunch lady. "So that one touched my heart."

The children were careful to offer praise as they expressed their concerns.

"Dear Mrs. Duits, The food is so yummy and yummy. But there are one proplem. It is the green beans," wrote Zhong Lei.

As a result of the students' campaign, the food service department of the Clark County School District sent staff to the school to see what alternatives they preferred.

With a handful of reporters watching, two dozen students sat down Monday to a veritable salad bar of cooked, frozen and canned vegetables, from baby corn to cherry tomatoes, and filled out a survey.

Because of cost restrictions, the children's only real choices were between canned and frozen green beans, corn, cooked or raw carrots and cooked or cold peas.

Corn and carrots were popular; cooked peas, not so much.

"The cooked peas, it's warm and all, but inside of it, it's all soft and stuff and I don't like it," said MacKenzie Rangel.

Some children got downright prolific when asked to write what other foods they would like for lunch or breakfast. Viviann requested "stake" and lobster, while Logan Strong wanted "chocolate filled panda cookies" and "chicken cordon blue."

Evangi-Santa

2007-05-24T15:51:00.000-04:00

At the magazine, we're working on an article about Christmastime evangelism (we plan early), and how to tell others about Christ. But my office has a jokester or two, and here is the email chain that got sent today.

The characters:
Tricia: new writer
Guy: crusty photographer
Jason: online manager
Angie: Staff Web site manager

Tricia wrote:
Hi friends,
I have been asked to write an article that I need your help on. The article’s purpose is to: encourage readers to talk their friends and neighbors about Christ at Christmastime and give some creative ways to evangelize.
If any of you have some ideas to pass along as to how you engage evangelistically with others around Christmas, I would really appreciate knowing them. Anything would be great!
Thanks so much,
Tricia

From: Guy
To: Tricia
We give away evangisanta’s to all our friends.
Really.
Guy

From: Tricia
To: Guy
What is that?

From: Guy
To:Tricia
You can see them on the staff web. Ask Jason.

From: Tricia
To: Jason
Cc: Guy
Jason,
Can you help me out with this?
Thanks!
Tricia

From: Jason
To: Angie
Cc: Tricia
Angie?
(Poor, poor Tricia, getting the run around).

From: Angie
To: Guy
Cc: Tricia, Jason
I’m unfamiliar with what you mean when you say “evangisanta’s” on the Staff Web. Can you clarify?
Thanks!

From: Guy
To: Angie, Jason
I thought with your new “google” system it would be a lot easier to find things. Are you sure you checked all the indexes?
Guy

From: Angie
To: Guy
I’ve never heard of what you’re talking about, and pretty much know all the content. Are you sure it’s on there?

From: Guy
To: Angie
No. Not positive. I thought it might be mentioned in some story about outreach’s during the holiday time, hence, evangisanta.

From: Angie
To: Guy
Hmmm…thanks. I still haven’t heard of it. Is it a Campus Crusade product?

From: Guy
To: Angie
Well, I guess it is. Thanks for looking. Maybe it was a figment of my imagination or something inspired by Tricia’s question. Hmmm...yeah, I guess it was.
Thanks,
Guy

Best Children's Sermon Ever

2007-05-18T15:18:00.000-04:00

At my grandparents church this last Sunday, the children gathered around the pastor at the front of the church for the children's sermon. And after just a few minutes in, I pulled out paper to take notes. Not on the topic, but on the comments the kids kept saying.

First, as the pastor asked the kids to come forward, she also needed to get new batteries for the mic she was wearing. This is a fairly traditional church where the pastors wear robes, and as she fiddled with the batteries, one of the kids asked, rather loudly, "Do you have clothes on under there?"
"Yes," she responded, laughing, but then one of the other pastors joked, "But don't ask Pastor Dave that!"

Then the pastor started asking the kids questions about the worship service. Again, being a traditional church, the worship order is always the same. "What comes after the Gospel reading?" the pastor asked, hoping someone would remember that it was the sermon. But without hesitation, one little boy shouted out, "doughnuts!"

Later the pastor was describing a really yummy hamburger, and asked the kids, "What do you put on your hamburger?" "Ketchup," was one response. "Pickles, cheese," were others. And then one little girl suggested, "Chicken."

When the pastor got to one of the main points she was trying to make, talking about rules. "What are some rules you have at your house?" she asked. "No fighting." "Pick up after yourself." And as if on cue, one boy suggested, "No nose-picking."

"And what are some rules that God has?" she questioned them further. "No stealing." "No cheating." And my favorite, "No hitting or kicking girls." I don't know where it is in the Bible, but I agree, it's a good one.

Poor Manatee

2007-05-04T17:13:00.000-04:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YwNi8dzj0S8

Saved

2007-04-28T16:45:00.000-04:00

I save a lot of documents on my computer, but my sister does not. She doesn't work on a computer daily, and it's only for her English class that she's had to label a few documents.So it made me laugh when she sent me her final class paper for editing.

While I have a well-thought out system for labeling things, like 07_J-A-Jamaica-BH-JN.doc or K&ItextBHwNWedits.doc, my sister's paper was simply labeled big_english_paper.doc.

Classified

2007-04-28T16:39:00.000-04:00

Actual classified ad.

Thanks Jason!

Chuck Norris

2007-04-23T23:03:00.000-04:00

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

Stop

2007-04-22T21:34:00.000-04:00

When I was visiting my parents a few weeks ago, my mom was giving me directions as I drove through a parking lot. She was about to tell me to turn at the stop sign, only then she noticed there wasn't actually a sign there; it was just the letters STOP printed on the ground. So instead, my mom said, "up ahead, turn left at the stop...um...at the stop...word."

Directions

2007-04-17T14:27:00.000-04:00

According to Google Maps, here's how to get from New York to Paris.....(notice number 23)
11. Take the I-278 E exit toward New Haven 0.3 mi
12. Merge onto Bruckner Expy 5.0 mi
13. Continue on I-95 N 62.1 mi
14. Take exit 48 on the left to merge onto I-91 N toward Hartford 36.8 mi
15. Take exit 29 for US-5 N/CT-15 toward I-84/E Hartford/Boston 0.4 mi
16. Merge onto CT-15 N 1.7 mi
17. Merge onto I-84 E 40.7 mi
18. Take the exit onto I-90 E/Mass Pike/Massachusetts Turnpike toward N.H.-Maine/Boston 56.0 mi
19. Take exit 24 A-B-C on the left toward I-93 N/Concord NH/S Station/I-93 S/Quincy 0.4 mi
20. Merge onto Atlantic Ave 0.8 mi
21. Turn right at Central St 0.1 mi
22. Turn right at Long Wharf 0.1 mi
23. Swim across the Atlantic Ocean 3,462 mi
24. Slight right at E05 0.5 mi
25. At the traffic circle, take the 2nd exit onto E05/Pont Vauban 0.1 mi
26. Turn right at E05 17.3 mi
.....

After Easter

2007-04-08T21:53:00.000-04:00

Your'e

2007-03-29T14:55:00.000-04:00

Who's a dog? Wait, "Your'e"? That's a first.

Backup Plan

2007-03-22T11:45:00.000-04:00

What our office has resorted to while our computer guy is out for three weeks. So far, it's not working for my computer.

Camel Crossing

2007-03-20T15:33:00.000-04:00

Shrove Tuesday

2007-02-20T15:09:00.000-05:00

Happy Shrove Tuesday! (The day before Lent begins when people historically have eaten pancakes to use up their perishable food like eggs and milk before the Lenten fast.) And thanks for the photo, Rob, it totally made me laugh. Actually, I don't think Rob reads my blog, so it does no good to thank him here, but I will anyway.

Impressive Math

2007-02-15T14:31:00.000-05:00

Best compliment I've received today: "THAT is impressive math, Becky. Good job!"

Those of you who know me will find this much funnier than those who don't.
And no, it wasn't in regards to my taxes, it was simply for tallying up what everyone owed from our weekend trip. But it was complicated to figure out, so I deserve the compliment!
Hmm...complicated, compliment...two words that start out the same, but have very different meanings...interesting. Okay, can you tell I'm a "words" person and not a "numbers" person. And that I've already had too much sugar or not enough brain stimulation today?

Pools of Mud

2007-02-14T09:30:00.000-05:00

Favorite Valentine's phrase I've heard today: "Your eyes are like pools of mud, and I'm stuck in them."

Thanks for the card, Judy!

Year's Best Headlines!

2007-02-08T15:14:00.000-05:00

Thanks for the find, Terri. Comments are not mine or hers.

THE YEAR'S BEST [actual] HEADLINES:

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
[Imagine that!]

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[No, really?]

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now that's taking things a bit far!]

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[Not if I wipe thoroughly!]

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!]

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think?]

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[Weren't they fat enough?!]

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Laughing Alone?

2007-02-07T16:11:00.000-05:00

HEY! Are you reading this? If so, could you please post a comment (anonymous is fine) to let me know that people are actually reading this. I'm very motivated by comments, and lately...nothing.

Because if you're laughing with friends, it means you're cool. If you're laughing alone, it means you're crazy.

(And might I recommend Bloglines to stay current on new posts? It's fabulous. Just go to "Subscribe.")

Sorry it didn't work out

2007-02-07T16:04:00.000-05:00

I seem to have a problem sending emails of late. Several have been bounced back to me for various reasons. For example, "We're sorry. There's a problem with the e-mail address(es) you're trying to send to. Please verify the address(es) and try again. If you continue to have problems, please contact Customer Support."

But this particular one made me laugh: "Hi. This is the qmail-send program. I'm afraid I wasn't able to deliver your message to the following addresses. This is a permanent error; I've given up. Sorry it didn't work out."

Potentially Awkward

2007-01-31T13:54:00.000-05:00

Guy friend sends girl new song to listen to.
Girl likes song, IM's guy to tell him.
Accidently mis-types.
"Thanks again for the son."

Hand Puppet

2007-01-31T00:06:00.000-05:00

My friend and co-worker sent a link to Bill Simmons' (ESPN) Media Day pictures, because he made it in one of the pics. Cool. But the picture just before his made me pause. Stadium, photographers, players, but what in the world was that in the middle of the shot?

Then I read Simmons' caption: "Every year, one of the Spanish channels sends a correspondent who interviews people with a hand puppet. It's exceptionally disturbing. Let's just move on."

Swimming, anyone?

2007-01-29T22:26:00.000-05:00

I got this from a blog not normally known for it's humor, but this particular post had such a great story in it that I couldn't resist sharing. I've deleted the religious parallels, but if you're interested, it's from commongroundsonline.typepad.com

"My family and I just moved to Austin, and our new church welcomed us with an afternoon social in very American fashion: swimming, hot dogs, Kool-Aid, cake, kids, and John Cougar Mellencamp (okay, I made the Mellencamp part up, but you get the picture). Before the party, my loving wife, Elissa, purchased a swimsuit for me. It was blue with a design on each side in a wide stripe. According to Elissa, when the suit became wet, a floral pattern would appear in a darker hue of blue.

We went to the party, along with 150 folks from the church. It was going well—filled with the laughter of young kids and the smell of the processed, nitrate-filled, meat-like substance on the grill. After about an hour, I looked down and noticed the water-induced pattern, which you might recall was purported to be “floral”. Strangely, it resembled feet in a diving-like position. I cringed, thinking that Elissa bought me a suit with some cheesy pattern of a diver or swimmer on it. As I, standing knee-deep in the kiddie pool, surrounded by kids and parents (church members mind you), examined the swimmer/diver, I observed that he possessed proportions that resembled a she.

That’s right, my swimmer/diver was not only not male, she wasn’t a swimmer/diver, rather a woman’s silhouette. Not just any woman, but a voluptuous one in provocative positions, including the famous one on the mudflaps of many eighteen-wheelers. At the party to welcome me, the new Assistant Pastor, and my family, I wore a swimsuit covered in 9x4-inch silhouettes of naked women! What would you do in this scenario? I didn’t know either. It was like being in the Southwest Airline’s commercial that presents a really awkward situation then asks, “Wanna get away?”

What kind of world?

2007-01-29T13:56:00.000-05:00

Boo-Boo

2007-01-25T17:53:00.000-05:00

And coming...

Nicole Kidman in Car Accident During Movie Shoot

....LAPD Capt. Andrew Smith said Kidman was a passenger in the vehicle that spun out of control during filming. Smith said his officers were told the vehicle was not involved in a stunt when it went out of control.
The injuries, he said, were mostly minor.
"She had a boo-boo. But one of the people involved suffered a broken arm," Smith said.

Email to Guy

2007-01-25T15:28:00.001-05:00

They just keep coming...

From Sandra:
I am in Croatia. Wont get anzthing to zou til the end of first week of Feb. Theres no apostrophe on this kezboard and z is where y belongs. sorrz, Guz.

Cell phone

2007-01-25T13:29:00.000-05:00

I don't have to work for these anymore. I just check my email.

From Brian:
Hey everyone, I lost a black nokia cell phone recently at work. It didn’t make it home and I have been unable to find it. Please let me know if you see it.
It should ring if you dial (618)...

From Karie:
Oh that was yours??? I kept asking who’s it was and no one knew.. So I called everyone in the phone book and I had a great conversation with Phillip, but he wasn’t much help with find out the phone dilemma... Actually... I think I might have forgotten to talk about the phone. But we had a great conversation about the hope we still had for the Rams. That’s all lost now though. Anyway, it finally turned off and so I donated it to the battered women’s shelter. Sorry. Hey, but think, your loss is helping some sweet woman out there have security. That is SO cool!

Tiny Wonder

2007-01-24T22:27:00.000-05:00

The emails began...

From Nathan:
You’re invited!!
Big Game! (Colts vs. Bears)
Big Screen! (7-foot projector)
Big Crowd! (You and all your friends)
Big Spread of Food! (…which you, of course, help provide)

From Danika:
This sounds awesome! Count me in.

From John:
I’m coming!

From Danika:
Hooray! Representation from The Tiny Wonder!

From Danika:
I’ve been asked by Gabe to explain my last email. “Tiny Wonder” refers to Delaware. Delaware is the one and only tiny wonder…according to license plates and Johnny T. So there.
COLTS!!!

From Vince:
Thx Danika, it was a bit tense there for a while… :)

From John: [feel free to skim this, although there is some funny stuff buried]
I appreciate the shout out, and given this sudden interest I thought I’d capitalize with some explanations:

The First State: (Official) Delaware was the first state to ratify the United States Constitution in 1787. There is only one First State and Delaware is it.

Small Wonder: A new nickname developed to promote the state's contributions to the nation and its natural beauty.

The Diamond State: This nickname for Delaware is echoed in the State Flag. The buff colored diamond serves as a frame for the state Coat of Arms. This nickname originated with Thomas Jefferson who compared Delaware to a diamond; small but very valuable. According to the Delaware Government Information Center, Thomas Jefferson described Delaware as "...a 'jewel' among states due to its strategic location on the Eastern Seaboard."

The Blue Hen State: This historical nickname, sometimes Blue Hen Chicken State, originated during the Revolutionary War. According to W.A. Powell's History of Delaware, 1928, the story traces back to a Captain Caldwell from Kent County who carried with him a pair of fighting game cocks. These chickens, descendents of a famous Blue Hen, were well known in Kent County for their superior fighting qualities. It is said that upon seeing these game cocks fight, one soldier cried "We're sons of the Old Blue Hen and we're game to the end" comparing the fighting prowess of the chickens to the fighting prowess of the Delaware soldiers. These regiments from Kent County became known as "Blue Hen's Chickens." This name was soon applied statewide. In 1939, the Blue Hen Chicken was adopted as Delaware's official State Bird.

The Peach State: In the 1500s, the Spanish brought peaches to Delaware. By the 1600s, peaches were so plentiful in the state that farmers used them to feed their pigs. Supported by the Delaware Railroad in the early nineteenth century, Delaware became the leading producer of peaches in the United States. Almost 6,000,000 baskets of peaches were shipped to market in 1875, Delaware's peak production year. Many problems beset peach farmers throughout the latter part of the century. The peach blight, called the "yellows" forced the collapse of the industry and, in the early 1900s, many peach farmers faced bankruptcy.

New Sweden: Refers to the first permanent settlement in Delaware in the present day Wilmington. Delaware was under Swedish rule from 1638 to 1655. The first Swedish settlement was at "The Rocks," on the Christina River, near the foot of Seventh Street. The Christina River was named after the young queen of Sweden as was the fort that was built.

Uncle Sam's Pocket Handkerchief: This obscure nickname probably refers to the small size of Delaware.

Corporate Capital: Delaware has been called the "Corporate Capital" because so many corporations have incorporated in the state because of its business-friendly law. According to the Delaware Division of Corporations (2002), more than 308,000 companies are incorporated in Delaware. This includes 60% of the Fortune 500 and 50% of the companies listed on the New York Stock Exchange.

Delaware has also been called "The Chemical Capital" and the "Home of Tax-Free Shopping."

From Vince:
John, so what you’re really telling us is that your home state is famous for a discolored chicken thing, lost Swedes, a wannabe Georgia peach grower, and Uncle Sam’s snot rag. Let’s also not forget that Thomas Jefferson chose Monticello, not Dover, for his wonderful home. Love ya man, GO COLTS!!!

From John:
Lol! I will not concede defeat! You failed to mention that we've been compared to a rare jewel, the superior fighting prowess of a game fowl, and that our mothers were most likely Swedish models.

From Rachel:
It makes me happy that you are so proud of your state. Sure, some of us didn't even know delaware was a state until about 2 years ago and are still not entirely sure of its location on the map but that's not important... what IS important, John, is that we are blessed to know a direct ancestor of a Swedish model. I mean, how many people can say that??

A far cry from politically correct

2007-01-23T23:05:00.000-05:00

My roommate was telling a story tonight, and clarified that the "Indian" she was refering to was "the feather-kind, not dot."

It took me a minute.

Still didn't figure it out?

Feather - Native American
Dot (on the forehead) - from India

It's so horribly insenstive that I just had to drop my head and laugh.

How to Make It Big

2006-11-28T17:52:00.000-05:00

I discovered a receipt (not mine) in a book I was reading, and the titles of several books purchased were listed on it. But there was not enough room to list one of them, so it just stated, "How to Make It Big as a" and I really wanted to finish it with something random.

How to Make It Big as a Ant.

...as a Ten-Year-Old.

...as a Homeless Person.

...as a Famous Actor.

...as a Dictator in Charge of a Large Country.

Make a suggestion, and maybe someday I'll write that book.

Rebellion

2006-11-16T16:25:00.000-05:00

Jennifer's little rebellion: instead of properly addressing her liscense plate renewal to "Earl K. Wood, Tax Collector," she addressed the envelope to, "Earl Wood Tax Man."

Fluffy

2006-11-10T11:11:00.000-05:00

If this doesn't make you laugh, I don't know what will.

Foreigners and English

2006-11-08T09:23:00.000-05:00

A Polish man moved to the USA & married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office & asked if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds? - Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case? - It made of concrete.
I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge? - No, we have carport, and not need one.
I mean, what are your relations like? - All my relations still in Poland.
Is there any infidelity in your marriage? - We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Is your wife a nagger? - No, she white.
Why do you want this divorce? - She going to kill me.
What makes you think that? - I got proof.
What kind of proof? - She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover."

Thanks Gabe!

Election Night Bingo

2006-11-07T14:00:00.001-05:00

For anyone planning to watch the election results on TV tonight, here’s a game you can play to make the night even more interesting.

Every time you hear one of these phrases, check it off your list. You can make a bingo card or check off all of them to win. Happy tracking!

Player One:
A real horserace
Nip and tuck
Red state
Florida
A "referendum on the Iraq War"
God Bless America
My fellow (fill in state resident descriptor -- i.e. Floridians -- or the word Americans)
Campaign trail
Liberal
Stem cell
Mark Foley
Michael J. Fox
Support the troops
Control of the House

Player Two:
Too close to call
Conservative
Exit polling
Time will tell
Ohio
God Bless You
Blue state
A real nail-biter
Back to you
Gay marriage
Speaker Dennis Hastert
Osama Bin Laden
John Kerry
Control of the Senate

Pac-man

2006-11-05T22:14:00.000-05:00

Thanks Rob and Angie!

Love Languages

2006-11-05T21:26:00.000-05:00

From Andi:
"The pastor at church today told this story: He is a fairly young guy, maybe later 20s- mid-30s, and he has been dating a gal in Brazil for 10 months. He was there not too long ago and was sitting on the beach enjoying the the view, the water, etc.
when a white rose suddenly washed up on the shore where he was sitting. He was amazed and wondered what it meant, maybe something about his relationship with this gal...the rose was really well preserved and he wondered if salt water somehow did something to preserve it.
So he sat there a little longer and ANOTHER well-preserved white rose washed up on the shore. He simply couldn't believe it and thought it was from the Lord. He wandered around a little bit to see if there were more roses to see if this was a gift from God or if they were coming from somehwere, but he couldnt find a source.
So he decided to give the two roses to his girlfriend just to say that he cared about her.
But when he gave them to her, she started laughing hysterically. She explained that people in Brazil put roses in the water as a sacrifice to the gods of prostitution, and that it was an offense to the Brazilians for anyone to mess with the roses.

The reason fo the story was an example of 'love languages' and that he didn't understand the love language of the Brazilian
people.

Thanks, Andi!

Fantasy Congress

2006-11-03T12:39:00.000-05:00

Now you can play Fantasy Congress just like Fantasy Football. The funny part is imagining the type of people who would actually play it instead.
Fantasy Congress

And I just learned they now have Fantasy Reality TV, Tabloids, and Fashion as well. See "Time" magazine for Web sites.

Wintry Mix

2006-11-01T15:57:00.000-05:00

"Have you noticed how meteorologists don't call it 'sleet' anymore? It's 'wintry mix.' As if we'll like it better if it sounds like a snack." -Arlee

Baby's first words

2006-10-31T17:01:00.000-05:00

My friend Mary's one-year-old girl knows over 30 words already. Hooray Gabby!

Her daycare center even gives out flashcards to help with word comprehension. But I'm a little concerned about the instructions for parents on the back.

Actual cards:

Bread
-Eat some bread! As you enjoy it, talk with your child about how the bread tastes and smells. Yum!

Blackbird [really?...couldn't just start with learning "bird"?]
-Sing a song of sixpence! Sing your favorite song about birds to your child. [I had to stop and think if I knew any songs about birds. It's really not a common topic for songs nowadays. Maybe Justin Timberlake should bring the bird-song-back instead.]

Pie
-Bake a pie with your child. Your child will love helping you stir the ingredients together! Be sure to do the actual baking yourself. Let the pie fully cool before serving to your child.

It's Halloween! Free Candy!

2006-10-31T16:58:00.000-05:00

Hershey's Kisses - any smaller and they'd be chocolate chips
Tootsie Roll - any bigger and they'd resemble Mr. Hankie
Pez - because nothing says "yummy" like the regurgitated contents of Spider-Man's disembodied head
Life Savers - because nothing says "yummy" like a miniature reminder of nautical disaster
Slurpee - drinkable sugar. Brilliant!
Laffy Taffy - chewable sugar. Brilliant!
Big Red - Wanna kiss a little longer? Try spitting out your gum first.
Peanut Butter Cups - Two great tastes that taste great together. Unless you're allergic to peanuts, in which case one of those great tastes might kill you.
Milk Duds - don't taste milky
Whoppers - contain no ground beef
Gummi Bears - had their own Saturday morning cartoon. Just like Mr. T, Hammerman and Rubix, the Amazing Cube.
Candy Corn - To paraphrase Lewis Black: "All the Candy Corn in the world was made in 1911, and it's been recycled ever since."
Bit-O-Honey - Only tastes like it was made in 1911 and recycled ever since.
Candy Corn (again) - because "Candy Wheat" just doesn't sound right

Thanks Phil!

Full-tackle baseball

2006-10-27T11:32:00.000-04:00

The other night I was talking to my sister while the World Series was on TV. I told her I was cheering for the Cardinals, and she immediately thought I was being a traitor to the Minnesota Twins. So I had to explain to her that I have multiple teams that I cheer for, and they are each ranked.

For example, in pro-football, I told her, it goes like this:
Minnesota Vikings
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Cincinnatti Bengals (that one is a funny story in itself)

She, of course, laughed at my number 2 and 3 teams, and then made this statement: "Well, If the Minnesota Vikings were playing the Cardinals, I would hope you would be cheering for the Vikings."

(She meant the Twins, but it made us laugh hard for the next few minutes.)

"If the Vikings were playing the Cardinals, I would have to cheer for those poor unprotected baseball players," I replied. "They wouldn't stand a chance!"

I mean, can you imagine?! A player hits a homerun, but then has to run for his life around the bases, as the entire defense line comes charging after him. Hilarious.

Full-tackle baseball. A bloody, all-American, sport.

Funny friends

2006-10-26T17:04:00.000-04:00

Gabe: i gotta roll
Gabe: piece
Tricia: lata
Tricia: piece of what
Gabe: piece of peace
Gabe: peace
Tricia: there ya go....
Gabe: a small portion of colored leather cut away from the saddlebag of an Indian Chief named Wampalipiwah
Gabe: that's the piece of what
Tricia: you're officially a dork
Gabe: but you laugh and smile when you type even that
Tricia: yes, i do. you seriously make me laugh.
Gabe: i make you laugh seriously?
Gabe: that's a weird combo
Tricia: seriously gabe.
Gabe: "And here we have a display of different laughers. Exhibit A is a man who laughs boringly, Exhibit B laughes hysterically, and here in Exhibit C Tricia Allen is the 'laughing seriously' display."
Gabe: "and this one laughs his head off."
Tricia: that should go on becky's blog.
Gabe: "and finally, this guy died of laughing."

Countrified?

2006-10-24T17:31:00.000-04:00

The search started after my Virginian friend used the word countrified (kun'tre fid') in a sentence, and I figured she was making it up. We laughed, as she tried to define how someone could become countrified. She defined "country" as someone who was "down home, but not redneck."
It made me wonder if "country" was even noted as an adjective in Websters.
It is.
1. of, in, or from a rural district.
2. characteristic of or like that of the country, rustic.

And then I noticed the entry above "country."

Countrified - 1 rural, rustic. 2. having the appearance, characteristics, or actions attributed to country people.

It's not even noted as slang.

Dear God 16 (the last one)

2006-10-24T15:08:00.000-04:00

Dear God 15

2006-10-24T15:05:00.000-04:00

Yet too late

2006-10-24T15:02:00.001-04:00

I was deleting junk email yesterday, and I noticed a little theme among a few messages...

Significant letter. You need to read.
Momentus message. You require to read.

And then there was this one.. (all the punctuation is left as I found it.)

Subject: Yet too late; unfortunate for a left Lundin Crast, his uncle's eyes were
Message: yet none I don't wish king stopped, Randel, your own By influence,

Please, tell me what it means!

The Greatest Compliment...

2006-09-29T11:02:00.000-04:00

"I'm pretty much a snob, and I think you're cool." - Anonymous

More Engrish

2006-09-27T17:05:00.000-04:00

If only life came with such obvious warnings.

Almost.

Owned and operated by "them."

Dear God 14

2006-09-26T12:40:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow

2006-09-21T16:51:00.000-04:00

Tricia: i'm sorry this convo has been all about me.
Tricia: i didnt even ask how you were doing today!
Gabe: no apologies necessary
Tricia: i can ask you tomorrow
Gabe: so wait. you're going to ask me tomorrow how i'm doing today?
Tricia: i was going to ask you tomorrow how you were doing tomorrow....
Tricia: wait...that doesn't make sense.
Tricia: i'm out.
Tricia signed off at 4:32:53 PM.

Holy Macky!

2006-09-21T16:47:00.000-04:00

Erik told me his two-year-old now says "holy macky" after hearing babysitter Jennifer say "holy mackerel."

Crazy Floridians

2006-09-20T13:22:00.000-04:00

PALMETTO, Florida (AP) -- Mark Giorgio figured a 50-foot plunge was worth $20. Giorgio, 47, was counting his money and walking across the U.S. 41 bridge over the Manatee River Monday when a $20 bill blew out of his hand and flew over the rail.

He followed. And plummeted 50 feet into the river. Then he swam about 100 yards to fish the bill from the water.

"I got my money back, hell yeah," Giorgio told the Sarasota Herald-Tribune. "Twenty bucks is a lot of money when you're broke."

He was fished from the water by a passing Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission officer.

Giorgio, who said he was already suffering from a broken collarbone, refused treatment for cuts and scrapes he suffered in the fall.

Gabe's To-Do list

2006-09-14T17:25:00.000-04:00

Actual list on Gabe's white board:

Send Tara DaVinci mag.
Call Chris
Help Christy solve the problem of poverty and find a cure for AIDS
Add some pink to the office
Tell Chris to talk to Becky in Spanish today despues de telefono

From Gabe's friend

2006-09-14T16:33:00.000-04:00

I’m finding that there are profound moments along the way here in language school. Times when you really get to put some things together and start to ask the big questions. Today, I had one of those moments. As I was putting some new vocabulary together and going over it with my tutor, I finally mustered up the courage to ask a big question. Here’s how it went down:

Blake (in Chinese): Tutor, do you like to boil your donkey?

Tutor (in English): Blake, I think there are some questions you ask that I don’t have to answer.

From there we just broke out into hysterical laughter.

PS I mean, I know how to say “Do you like to boil your donkey?” I’m set. Such an icebreaker.

My nephew

2006-08-25T16:14:00.000-04:00

He's not really my nephew, but my sister's dog is as close as it comes. His name is Isaac, and he's a retired racing greyhound. And he definitely deserves some space on the funny blog. (yes, that's a dog biscuit lei from Hawaii around his neck.)

Deb and Rob told me a story about when they took Isaac to Rob's parents cabin, and Rob brought some of his hunting buddies along. Isaac was sleeping in the living room with some of the guys, and one of them started snoring. Isaac had never heard snoring before, so we went to investigate.

The whole cabin woke up when Isaac actually stuck his nose into the poor guy's mouth, and he screamed.

Vacuums

2006-08-25T16:08:00.000-04:00

“That’s what separates man from beast—the fact that we’re not afraid of vacuums. “ - from Rob, my brother-in-law

All in the Family

2006-08-25T13:57:00.000-04:00

I guess I'm not the only one in my family who has weird dreams. My sister had a dream the other night in which she was asking my dad about he and my mom's upcoming trip to Norway. She asked him if he knew how to say anything in Norweigian, and he replied, "I know how to say, 'my wife speaks very good Norwegian, and I have high blood pressure and a tendency for blood clots." Then he said the same thing in Norwegian to my sister, which she didn't understand, because it was apparently in Norwegian.
The funny part is that my sister doens't speak Norwegian. Neither does my dad. Or my mom. They were trying to learn a little before their actual trip, but I don't think they were too successful. Certainly not enough to learn words like blood pressure or clots. (this is my sister's nursing background coming into her dreams.)

For the Political Activists...

2006-08-17T15:47:00.000-04:00

Bono rocks!

It's a little long, but hilarious, no matter what your views.

P for Phone

2006-08-16T14:44:00.000-04:00

Okay, this one is from several weeks ago, but I need to make fun of myself more.

While bowling, Gabe said he likes to think of good words that start with "p" whenever Paul bowls. Powerful. Poetic.
So, to make him laugh, I said, "Pnemonia. That starts with 'p.'" As we were laughing, I explained to Kristin, and said, "I'm trying to think of words that don't sound like they start with 'p,' like pnemonia." And she replied, "phone." Without any hesitation, I said, "no, words that DON'T sound like they start with 'p.' And as she replied, 'yeah, PHONE.'

Oh. Right.

Any others? Post a comment: I'm curious to see how many people actually read my blog.

Postman.
Primal.
Patriotic.
Pathetic?

Dear God 13

2006-08-16T14:41:00.000-04:00

Bad week for...

2006-08-03T13:56:00.000-04:00

Only in Florida:
Bad week for new ways to meet girls, after a student at the University of Central Florida was charged with setting fire to his dorm in order—he later told police—to meet female students as the building was being evacuated.

The Week, August 4-11, 2006

Dreaming My Life Away

2006-07-27T11:40:00.000-04:00

Okay, I've always known I have really random dreams, and a recent one made me laugh again. All of the following elements were included in a single morning's dream.

*a man came over with a giant lawnmower to get one spot of grass that I had missed (but the grass in that spot was REALLY tall)
*neighborhood twins eating vanilla popsicles and asking if they could have the toy truck that was buried in my flower garden (btw, my neighborhood has no twins that I know of, and there is no toy truck buried in my flower garden.)
*picking blueberries out of my teeth
*a cartoon-like sequence where someone's evil plan was to make money by manufacturing the flu and selling special bottles of antibiotics from the top of a mountain. And I was apparently a character in this cartoon and bought two of these bottles.
*Frank Sinatra - at an old fashioned horse track

How these things all fit together in my mind, I'm still not sure.

The Engineers' View Of Men And Women

2006-07-21T14:02:00.000-04:00

Dear God 12

2006-07-20T13:32:00.000-04:00